


Insecure

by Doteruna



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Accidents, But I guess we all know that now, Canon-Typical Violence, Castration, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Harry Hart Lives, Harry is Arthur, Hurt Eggsy, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Protective Harry Hart, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-20
Updated: 2016-11-20
Packaged: 2018-09-01 00:45:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8600455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doteruna/pseuds/Doteruna
Summary: A phrase like, “I’m amazed you had the balls to pull that off,” was considered high praise from a man like Harry; it made even the most respected agent feel giddy. Eggsy, however, didn’t have the same reaction. You see, Eggsy didn’t have his anymore.





	

“At least the girl has balls.” 

 

“Ya don’t have the bollocks!” 

 

These were insults directed towards him, almost every day. Whether it was Arthur, or Dean, or someone like Charlie or even the offhanded joke from Roxy; comments made to demasculinize him, to make him feel feminine, to put him down. Of course, it was a common saying with many variants; insulting someone’s masculinity was not a rare thing, even if it was sexist and distasteful. Even Harry had made a few remarks whenever he was particularly displeased with Eggsy (which didn’t happen often) or when the younger man had pulled off an especially brave stunt, or something of the like. A phrase like, “I’m amazed you had the balls to pull that off,” was considered high praise from a man like Harry; it made even the most respected agent feel giddy. 

 

Eggsy, however, didn’t have the same reaction. 

 

He knew he should. Praise from Harry was hard-earned stuff. But with every derogatory remark about his balls, even a positive comment seemed offensive. 

 

You see, Eggsy didn’t have his anymore. 

 

During his time in the Royal Marines, a training accident that involved explosions nearly took off one of his legs. It came out with just light scarring on the back of his thigh, but unfortunately, his chance to have kids was taken away from him. He had used his connections to get his medical record altered so that no information was leaked, but he was medically discharged. It so happened that his mother called while he was in the hospital, begging him to come back, and that became his excuse for leaving the Marines. It was his most guarded secret. 

 

With every comment about having or not having the bollocks to do something, or someone ‘had him by his balls’ on a mission, or anything of the sort, Eggsy’s tolerance grew thinner. He knew that there was no way anyone could find out about his problem, but he was getting more and more tense each day. He was insecure about it; he knew that he shouldn’t be, logically, but he couldn’t help it. It was a part of him that he no longer had. 

 

When Harry (Arthur, cough-cough) stopped by his office several weeks after his miraculous survival and kissed him deeply, Eggsy forgot about all his past concerns. All that mattered was that the man he loved was here, kissing him, apologizing to him and hugging him tightly. As the weeks went by and their relationship went from secret kisses to flirty winks during meetings and filthy comments whispered into each other’s ear in the hallways, Eggsy realized that he would have to reveal his secret to someone for the first time. He wanted Harry, he truly did. The man had come in like a knight in shining armor and swooped him up out of poverty and into the best life Eggsy could have ever dreamed of. He was smart, fit, handsome, humorous, brave, and a plethora of other things that Eggsy could spend days naming off. But most of all, he was Harry, and Eggsy was head over heels for him. 

 

It all came to a head one evening, a few months after the start of their relationship. It was the first time they had a full weekend off at the same time--being Arthur was time-consuming and being the new Galahad kept Eggsy out of the country quite often. Finally, Merlin had given them the all-clear to head home, and since Eggsy had lived in Harry’s house in the few months after V-Day, neither had felt it necessary to move. They went home together, thanking the cab driver and stumbling tiredly into the house. Harry went immediately to the bathroom and Eggsy made his way to the kitchen, pulling out some leftovers he’d cooked the day before. He and Harry ate in comfortable silence, broken only when Eggsy thought of a joke or Harry wanted to correct his posture. 

 

An hour later when they rolled into bed, Eggsy paused and looked up at his almost-lover. He finally felt ready to take their relationship to the next level, but he wasn’t sure how to tell Harry that Eggsy wouldn’t exactly be able to participate fully. The older man was gazing down at him from his perch, propped up on the headboard with one arm tucked comfortably under Eggsy’s torso. Harry leaned down to kiss him and Eggsy readily accepted, scooting further up the bed to get a better angle. They kissed for a while, lazily and sweetly, until Harry let his hands roam. Ass, nipples, abs, neck, his deft fingers groped and squeezed and pinched. Eggsy was moaning and squirming, his nipples weren’t especially sensitive but he enjoyed the sensation. Harry’s hands slipped from his naked torso to the elastic of his boxers, and Eggsy pulled his mouth away from his partner’s long enough to gasp, “Harry--”

 

“Hmm?” the older man hummed, but he was already tugging the fabric down. His hand came forward to cup Eggsy, and he froze. 

 

“Eggsy?” he asked quietly, and to his shock he felt Eggsy’s forehead drop onto his shoulder, his face pressed into Harry’s neck. It was growing damp with tears. “Eggsy, what happened?” 

 

“Marines,” his partner bit out, sniffling. “Training accident. Nearly took my leg off.” 

 

“I’m glad it didn’t. Why didn’t you tell me? Or Merlin?”

 

Eggsy took a moment to compose himself, but kept his face in Harry’s neck. His voice was muffled and quiet. 

 

“I figured if Merlin didn’t find out during training, it didn’t matter. And I didn’t tell you because...Harry, I’m--I’m ashamed of it. ‘You don’t have the balls,’ or something like it is a common insult, and every time I heard it it just made me want to run away. It makes me feel like I’ve failed somehow.” 

 

“Oh, Eggsy, no,” Harry hushed him, wrapping his arms around Eggsy tightly. “You’re one of the best agents we have, you know that. You shouldn’t be ashamed of something that you’ve survived.” He paused. “Does it bother you when I make comments about it?”

 

Eggsy burrowing his head deeper into the crook of his neck was his only answer. He leaned back and pulled Eggsy’s head up, both hands on his cheeks, wiping the tears away with his thumbs. 

 

“Eggsy, I’m so, so sorry for any discomfort or shame I’ve caused you. I’m a vulgar man, a feature that certainly doesn’t endear me to many others. If any of the comments I’ve made have given you a sense of inferiority, I sincerely apologize.”

 

“I thought....I thought maybe if you knew, you wouldn’t…” Eggsy trailed off, wiping the corners of his eyes. Harry pressed a kiss to his sweaty forehead. 

 

“I wouldn’t want to be intimate with you?” he guessed, and it broke his heart to see his partner nod in shame. “Eggsy, do you remember earlier this year, when you came back from Colombia with three broken ribs and what could have been a shattered pelvis?”

 

“How could I forget?” Eggsy replied, brows furrowed in confusion. “What about it?”

 

“What did I do when I came into your hospital room?”

 

“Kissed me senseless,” Eggsy said. Harry nodded and kissed his temple, pulling him close to his chest. 

 

“You see, dear boy, I don’t care if I can have sex with you. If those injuries hadn’t healed right, or if they were worse in the first place, we never would have the opportunity. The same goes with every mission--the risks we take as Kingsman agents are very high. I myself and getting a little old to be regularly sexually active. Just because you lack the necessary physical parts for us to enjoy a full sex life, I’m not going to stop wanting to be with you. I love you, Eggsy, and I always will.”

 

“Oh, Harry, you know how to make a girl swoon,” Eggsy chuckled, wiping away the last of his tears and smiling. “I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> I've got absolutely no experience or knowledge in this area but I was showing Kingsman to my roommates and this thought crossed my mind so here


End file.
